Posted in Prose

Pull back the covers

I scrambled out of bed.
In a jiffy pulled back the curtains to see the reflection of my fainted heart.
It was a wet day, the birds were not out in the skies nor were the skies a happy blue today!
Aha! The sun wasn’t there peeking through the clouds nor were the trees on the yard sunkissed. Today they were green, strangely greener in tone, texture and colour, the water gleaming on the leaves. I stood watching the nuance of nature for the day! Why it was sunny yesterday, where did the storms drive away the sun, was it hiding behind clouds , clinging on like a little child onto its mother’s dangling piece of cloth! How was it that the sun was gone and that the storms took over in all power and harshness? How was it that my soul felt thrilled yesterday and today it poured down heavily on the grounds of my mind, seeping deep into every crack on my ground?
So I pulled back the covers………….
It was pouring down heavily somewhere deep in the lands of my heart, thundering storms and driving away every ounce of joy, sweeping away my reasons to cheer and smile again. They thundered, rained and rained…….all day long, it took over every sky, ground, street, city and lands within me.
Why I was exhausted, my aching heart deprived of every strength to fight back the winds, the storm and the darkened clouds!
So I pulled back the covers, away from the reflection of my soul outside my window.
I had to get out of the mess, run through the rain as quickly as possible no matter what, even if it meant – drenched, soaked and weary!
I did try, but the storm was hard, stronger than my will power to fight. I saw it coming again, thunder that shook my self, lightning that blinded the eye, pour that numbed the flesh and pain that destroyed me. A pain that I thought had gone away, the pain of losing…….
So I pulled back the covers and I was gone probably drenched in the rain, shook by the thunder or blinded by the lightning,
I closed my eyes and I knew not what for a while, a while I wish lasted forever…………

 

Posted in Prose

She isn’t here anymore

Sunday, 4: 30 pm
I was at the woods. Lost in thoughts. Left to myself. The vast greenery, the chirp of the birds and the silence engulfed me in a satisfaction that was unknown yet relaxing and calming. I sat on the grass, feeling the cool beneath, feeling every detail of the air around me as if they were the only companions left in the world for me. I plunged into this endless verdure trying hard to forget the world beyond the gates of the woods. My heart danced along, flew higher and higher with the little birds, gurgled down and far with the blue waters and stayed calm and prosperous like the fresh grass. Why but I lost myself every time I visited these woods, my heart lost itself among the tall trees and the grass growing low and green.
It was yesterday or was it just yesterday that I ran home from among a crowd of buzzing people, an environment that judged me, rejected the person that I was and demanded me to be different and behave like the “All”. Was it just yesterday or was it every day that I did flee away from people. I never knew why but deep, deep down in me I knew I fled every day. But yesterday was different.
Was it wrong that I was different, that I like being in the corner, that I was lost and that I wasn’t like the others? I never know but my existence was challenged and they asked me to change, they asked me to laugh more often, jump up and down, buzz around, buckle up, put on fake smiles, hide the tears and act strong. I was pushed hard back and forth in the society. They expected me to change.
Wasn’t there one kind soul who would want to accept me as Me and not as someone else? I pushed forward each day, trying hard to smile, giggle and act like an extrovert, all to be accepted. Dazed, confused and lost I put on a different version of myself to finally focus all eyes on me, for all the spotlights, for all the attention.
Devastated. Pained. Dolourful. I cried each day, very often sinking down in grief and melting away with the scorching heat of the garish sun. I knew myself no more; I put on a face that I failed to recognize anymore. I was a girl who dwelt in the bodies of those who demanded the change, a new Me, I hardly even recognized.
Days into nights and nights into days, my mind suddenly turned into a battlefield. It was a war that I knew not when it erupted, why and how. And every time I closed my eyes I saw myself battling with myself. How strange! The image flashed before my eyes over and over, promising each day elevated chaos and desolation. The tension strained down on me, weighing down on me, my legs giving me away.
The battle grew horrendous with each passing minute, filling the grounds of my mind with more blood and dolour, more of hopelessness. Over the years I knew I was a product of extreme pressure, the out-turn of disgusting chaos that yielded out from the attitudes and minds of hundreds and hundreds of chaotic people who managed to weigh me down with the definitions of acceptance. I was cast down, trampled and lost. I was in the middle of nowhere, in the body of a person I did not know any more.
She wasn’t the girl who talked to the little creatures of the earth, she didn’t look at the skies and the stars and lose herself, she never strolled in the woods, feeling the air, the grass and the water. This girl was different. I did not meet her anymore. I went far and wide, into the woods, deep into the wilds, behind every tall tree, by the river banks and up beyond the skies but she seemed to have gone far away into an unknown land.
And each day I waited for one person to come along,
To help me fight and find the lost girl …………….
Posted in Prose

A reason on the banks

Was it a quiet evening?
Or was it just a quietness I perceived?
With my endless list of chaos was it even quiet?
Five kilometres away from what I called home, sixty from what I called love, one from what I called peace and crouched right on the banks of what I called bliss and rest to my soul I feel insecure, hopeless and no reason to live yet feeling happy and myself in the company of nature at the same time. How was it that I was lost in the line of the horizon and yet present in the moment or how was it that I had a million reasons to die but yet that I chose to live? Away from everyone, the melodrama of life and from the business of the day, I find solace on the banks of a river I spent nights and days. Racing my thoughts between the wonders of life and the emptiness it held, these banks often gave me an answer, it often made me press on and it often let me turn back home with hopes of seeing a clear blue sky with a tinge of pink here and there.
Queerness, dispute, bafflement, incorrigible a million times, dazed and stunned, the world twirled and twirled all round me, grabbed my waist violently, the wind snatched my hair together in its fists and threw me off my senses and put out my desire to live. Living with it every day I feel numb yet lost, worried and somehow hopeful that I can change something for myself, find meaning, search out myself from among the confusion but it seems impossible. I am drained so much of my energy that I have got no strength to even hope.
Nevertheless I walk down the pathway of life aimless, grieved and hoping madly in my heart to see light at the far corner of the road but in vain. I don’t know why but I walk on, my mind secretly telling me, hiding its hopes from my body that I would very soon see faces and hear voices soothing. And yeah, my legs carried me further and further down into the jungle of life, little knowing that the mind is in appreciation of the ways of my feet. Every day I move on to places unknown and streets unfamiliar and every minute hoping for a hope yet seemingly and widely planning hard to give up this long, never ending walk that I have been doing for the past 21 years. Pretty long.
In the meantime……..
This long journey I ever always thought of giving up, finishing it off for good, I thought not so when every day I sit at the banks of the ever flowing river, flowing on and on to places far off yet happy, cheery and gurgling down. Funny but these banks taught me lessons in the meantime when life gave me reasons to quit, to jump mightily into this river and float away like a corpse feeling nothing and sensing no more. These frequent, lazy, seemingly meaningless visits to the banks of the river revived me every day, built in me a power so divine, the power to press forward and the courage to see, to appreciate, to realize and to accept pain and believe that it would pass away like the flowing waters that keep on and on even when the sun shines down garishly and slows down its gurgle down into the ocean.
Why jump right into the current and die when you can swim against the current and reach the banks successful, content and happy.
I found my answer, the answer to why I should walk on when the lights are out, when the streets are deserted, when people have isolated you and when you are all alone on an empty, dark and moonless night. I found it because meanwhile life is about you and you alone, it is a challenge, a challenge to walk down bold whether or not you are accompanied. You need to rise up against the odds, fight the thoughts that make you give up and light yourself a candlelight and walk down bold even when you are alone…..
After many a drama of life. Very often in the meantime………,
As I sit by the banks hopeless I hear the gurgle of the waters, the quiet rush of the waters between the pebbles, the silent chirp of the crickets and I feel the gentle breeze that promises me the hope of a better tomorrow.
In the meantime, amidst the tension between life and death, with all my affliction, dolor and hopelessness I see light peeping through the thickness of my heart-rending pain……..
Get up! Pick yourself up! You can fight!
Look around you when you lose hope, you will find it in the little things of life, you will find a reason to light your own lamp and go on,
Look at the birds of the air and the lilies of the field how they chirp on and sway on relishing the beauty of life each day……………
There is a reason to live each day.
Posted in Prose

One night

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So this is what I did waking up one starless, dolor-filled night- I looked into the sky and words trickled down my mind and then gushed forth as a result of extreme weight of pressure of autophobia. Well, maybe of losing one person very soon. I wrote,
Just like the stars were high up in the sky yet that however they twinkle tonight they will be washed out from the face of the sky by the morning sun, rushing in with its might and brightness into the skies and pushing out everything away with its marvellous light you will be Gone. Gone when reality finally dawns, when fear becomes possibilities and when love gives way to giving up for the best.
Two months. Why was it just two years that I had with you. How fast did time fly, did time actually catch an airplane or did time simply make a fool of me? How was it that today I think of letting you go very soon but that exactly an year ago I thought you were mine? I wonder Why and Why and Why . The question playing and replaying over and over again, swirling round and round as if an excited tweeting bird?
But why?
And I knew why?
Did I ?
For sure?
Was I doing right?
Or maybe were we doing it right?
Just like the stars and the moon that I would not even be able to catch a glimpse of when the garish sun creeps in I will be gone out of your life and you from mine but just like the stars and the moon that always remain right there in the sky even when all the powerful light reigns over them, putting out their dim lights I will be right here, right there in the skies of your life. Yes right there and though I am pushed out, blurred out by the garish light of letting go, new people, new memories, a new love I will still be there in your skies, popping out every night and shedding some light. And probably when you look at me in the sky, I will ignite in you a small spark of hope- very little but look at me. Do look at me when you are  devastated, broken and weary, I will reappear every night.
Just look at me when I shed some light!
And when the garish light fails you,  probably a little, dim light from a star far, far away might bring a smile on your face, if not at least a curve in the corners of your face.
Just look at me
I will be here,.
Shedding some light!
Will I ?
I think I will…………..
Posted in Prose

You are here for a reason

 

There might have been days when you jumped out of your bed panicky, sweaty and tired, your mind running over the question “Why am I here?” The question keeps playing in my head over and over again until when I looked into the skies, at all the birds soaring high, little bothering that they would die tomorrow. I looked at the lilies of the field dancing to the music of the wind, extremely cheerful, spreading happiness and completely ignorant that it is going to die away that evening. My eyes led me to every detail around me, the small creatures, animals and birds. They were happy and unlike me they weren’t moaning over why they were even living.

I knew it immediately that there had to be a reason for this long and dreaded journey through the wilderness, I had a confidence building in me that I could go on till I reached the other side of the shore.

Life can hit you hard at times and knock you out but all you have to remember to do is get back on your feet and fight. It’s hard when you strive to achieve but you fail, you try harder each day to climb up the ladder of life but slide down further down instead. It is extremely hard when you try to get up but life blows you down every time. It’s hard as it sounds but it is definitely worth it when you have finally fought back and risen up to your feet. Very often in this process of failure, with all the falling to the ground and injury to your soul you are exhausted, you don’t want to move anymore. You are drained of your energy and willing to give up this fight and when you have made up your mind to quit you forget the fact that your dreams are a little further away. Failure and exhaustion is definitely more powerful than anything else in the world. It can ruin confidence and fall on your way like a huge tree obstructing you from walking on and achieving. But remember when you are tired you should relax, stop and look around you.

 

Look at the birds of the sky how they soar high against the mighty minds, the fish in the sea how they swim hard against the current, the flowers in the fields how they sway and stand still against the blows of the wind. These are little things of the nature and when they have succeeded in surviving you can too. You can fight back the current, fly against the might of the winds and survive every blow of the winds and life. You are stronger than these little creatures and definitely more powerful but very often when life hit us hard we lose ourselves and tend to forget that we are here for a purpose in spite of all the terrible pain and sorrows you have to face.

You never know the worth that you hold in the universe that you reside in, your existence is important and there is a reason behind what you are, who are and why you are here. Most of us fail to even think about this fact that we are here for a reason, a reason that we would realize maybe ten years down the lane.

Probably you are feeling down, devastated and no point in your existence but you have no idea what is at the corner of the road for you. You are probably walking down a plain, empty street with the lights out, no single soul walking with you and street lamp all broken and fallen on your way but at the far corner of your street you will definitely see light, more people and you will know that you are journey wasn’t a mere waste after all. You never know but a little down the road and you might be the light and ray of hope to many thousands of people, a helping hand to hundreds of people and confidence and motivation to hundreds of people to move on and down.

When God created you He did have a plan for you, he did see a future in you, a hope through you for many other people. You are just a normal person but God has a plan for you and He is not going to stop until He sees you fulfilling the reason with which He sent you down on earth. This reason varies among people of all tribes, nations, lands, languages and regions. While you are here to spread love to people, I am here to spread positivity and yet another person is simply here because he spreads happiness and brings a cheer on people’s faces. It is different but it is worth it and it is important. You never know what’s in store for you bit all you have to do is press on, walk as long as you can. Make sure that with each passing day, you spread love, happiness and joy to the people around you. You are indeed a little person in this vast, huge world but your presence can definitely spread a lot of fragrance to the people around you. Consider the lilies of the field, they are small, timid and short lived yet they spread fragrance to every soul passing by, transforming weary hearts into joy and teary eyes into glowing ones.

You are more than anything else in the world!

Remember you are God’s best creation and He hasn’t sent you down to the earth because He had to but with a purpose, a reason you will ever realize until you turn around the corner.

Believe. Press on. You are here for a reason